There seems to be a backlash against the term Parental Alienation – ostensibly from those who find themselves in a position where such an accusation is levied. Indeed, we have even had a documentary aired where children have expressed their views on the whole matter. In this case, the children showed every classic sign of being alienated- black and white thinking or splitting whereby one parent was almost canonised and the other demonised. No nuances.

There is no doubt that the children expressed these views. However, the court is tasked with an expert reporting on their ascertainable views. They may be very different. A child may well believe a narrative and take it on board as theirs. But their lived experience may be different to that expressed. Bizarrely they may push against a parent they really love as they know they will be forgiven in the misguided view that they need to protect the parent who is mostly the one they live with.

We need experts and resources; a report from a family court advisor (Cafcass officer) may pick up on the nuances, but just as easily could miss them. This is by no means any criticism of Cafcass, or indeed Nyas, who offer a similar service. They are woefully overstretched. Change is needed. As much as allegations of abuse are now looked at early with a fact finding and so a factual matrix is established, we need a mechanism for specialist teams to assess this too.

A problem is cost and time. Often the process is prolonged. Parties can literally wait months for a court date only to be told there is no judge available; or, as has happened in two of my cases recently, for us to be told that the magistrates need to send this up to District Judge level – which incurs yet more delay.

Time in the proceedings is not a child’s friend. Views become more and more entrenched. Indeed, as a psychologist said in a recent case, “Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder.”

Litigants in person need a lot of help to navigate the system, such as making the application for an expert. Which speciality? Which form? What even is a Part 25? It is not something I would ever suggest someone just “has a go at”. Guidance is crucial with case law properly pleaded as to the necessity of the application.

Here at Valemus we have a very strong family team. Joanna Abrahams has written extensively on the topic, as well as having cases reported and having appeared on the BBC as an expert. We are here to guide you; to include addressing likely obstacles; help you to overcome them; and, as importantly, to support you.

Find out more about Joanna and her experience here.

Find out more about our expert Family lawyers

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Valemus family partner speaks with the BBC

With news that Meghan Markle’s father is threatening US court action to establish visiting rights with grandchildren Archie and Lilibet, Joanna Abrahams, Family and Children Partner  has provided advice to grandparents in the UK seeking to establish contact with their grandchildren. Speaking with BBC Three Counties Radio, she reflected on the best way to approach difficult family relationships where grandparents want to build a relationship with their grandchildren but may be at odds with the parents.

Here she shares an overview of the issues and advice to bear in mind if you are a grandparent struggling in this situation.

You can also listen again to Jo talking further on child contact for grandparents with BBC radio here (fast forward to 19 minutes).

Your rights as a grandparent

Here, in the UK grandparents have no automatic right to see their grandchildren and therefore no automatic right to pursue a child arrangement order through the courts. However, they can ask the family court for permission to consider an order be made in their favour for contact. Essentially, this means there is another hurdle grandparents have to jump over in order to have the court consider their request.

“If permission to consider the request is granted, the court will then consider an order. In doing so, the court will take into account various factors, including the grandparent’s previous relationship with the children. This is why it is important to maintain some form of contact with your grandchildren, even if you aren’t seeing them in person. However, the most important factor is what the court deems to be in the child’s best interests.

“In general, the courts are sympathetic to grandparents in this situation. They often take into account the positive impact on the child of having a relationship with their extended family. Remember it is not about enforcing your ‘rights’ as a grandparent, but about what is best for the child. Having you in their life may be just that.

“Of course, before any application is made to court it is best to try and establish contact through communication with the parent or parents. Whether through mediation with a trained mediator (MIAMS accredited) or with the help of a solicitor who can help reach an agreement. In most cases the court will want to see that you have tried to reach an agreement through routes such as mediation before resorting to legal action.”

Advice to consider

• Even if you aren’t seeing your grandchild face to face, try to maintain contact, even if that’s just over WhatsApp or Facebook (age allowing). It’s important to show that there is an ongoing relationship that is of positive benefit to the child
• Don’t use this continued communication as an opportunity to bad mouth the parent to the child, stir up any ill feeling or gossip about issues in the family. Keep it positive and demonstrate that you are a supportive and loving influence in their life.
• Try to maintain a good relationship with the parent or parents – even if there is an acrimonious divorce in progress and you are tempted to take sides. Arguments or accusations will not help your cause. This may be difficult as it is an emotionally charged situation, but this is where a mediator or solicitor may be able to help you remove triggering language from your communication and maintain a calm and neutral path to agreement

If you are a parent or grandparent struggling to establish or maintain contact with children, the family team at Valemus is here to help. With decades of experience, our friendly and empathetic lawyers can help you find the best resolution.

Find out more about Joanna and her experience here.

Find out more about our expert Family lawyers

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“It is ok for me to record the meeting, isn’t it?” asks the stressed employee client who has been invited to a performance meeting but is anxious at the very idea of it.  Some employees fear that once the questioning gets under way, stress levels will rocket and they will not present their best version of events or remember exactly what was said. 

With the prevalence of devices in our everyday lives, many of us have become used to pressing the record button on our phones as a short-cut for writing anything down.  As audio (and video) recordings become more frequently used, it is likely that some individuals may prefer it as a means of recording what is said at work meetings.

There may be good reasons why employees feel that an audio recording of a meeting better protects their position or is necessary to demonstrate that they are the subject of, for example, discriminatory remarks.  However, there is no right to record a meeting unless both parties agree to do so.  Not all cases of covert recording in the workplace will relate to formal meetings.  It is possible that one employee could record another employee making discriminatory remarks, without them knowing, in order to provide evidence of what they are having to endure in the workplace.

In this article, we summarise the key elements of the law relating to covert recordings in the workplace by reference to six practical tips for employers handling covert recordings by an employee.  This is not just an employee-related issue.  Many employers may also want to covertly record employees, for example, to identify criminal activity or malingering.  Whilst not within the scope of this article, that also gives rise to a number of issues and we recommend employers seek legal advice before undertaking any such monitoring exercise.

1. Spend some time revising your policies. In the 2019 decision of Phoenix House v Stockman, the Employment Appeals Tribunal (EAT) said that, unless there were pressing circumstances, covert recording of a meeting by an employee is more likely to be misconduct than gross misconduct.  The attitude of the employer to covert recordings is a relevant factor so you should make sure your Disciplinary Procedure categorises it as gross misconduct if that is how your business feels.  The EAT seemed to anticipate more employers categorising it in this way following its decision.
2. Think about revising your template or precedent documents. One of the key considerations for the EAT in Stockman was the employer’s attitude to covert recording.  If the employer can show that its policy on this was unambiguous and brought to the attention of the employee, it will be harder for the employee to argue lack of awareness of the employer’s views.  It is worth ensuring that your (standard or bespoke) letter inviting an employee to a meeting (e.g. disciplinary, grievance, performance, redundancy) confirms that employees are not entitled to record the meeting either by audio or video and, if they are found to do so, this could be treated as a disciplinary offence.  You can reiterate in the letter that a neutral person will be in attendance to take notes.  Remember that the employee, or any person that accompanies them, can also take notes.   The employer’s relevant policy can explain that the employee will be invited to comment on any notes of the meeting and will have a chance to register any instance in which recollections vary.
3. For the conduct of the meeting, provide those leading it with a checklist to ensure that they have asked for:
   • Confirmation that none of the attendees are recording the meeting and that they are aware of the employer’s policy on covert recordings;
   • Confirmation that all attendees have turned off their mobile phones.

Should the meeting need to be adjourned for further deliberations, you could recommend moving the individuals involved in the deliberations to a separate room so that, if the meeting is being recorded, those deliberations are less likely to be captured on the recording.  After any adjournment, it is worth re-confirming a. and b. above.  In Stockman, the EAT drew a distinction between an employee who was told not to make a recording or lied about doing so and one who scarcely thought about whether it should be done or not.  If the employer is clear about the policy at all times, it will be difficult for employees to argue that they hadn’t given the recording a moment’s thought.  Remember, if employees are doing something they know they shouldn’t be doing, their behaviour may often give it away!

4. Encourage line managers (typically those hosting these meetings) to be flexible. There may be situations where someone needs to turn their phone on.  If there is no other way of dealing with this (e.g. postponing the meeting), then an exception might need to be made.  Similarly, an employee may put forward some reason why they need to record the meeting – for example, a medical condition which makes it very difficult for them to concentrate and you may need to consider relaxing your policy if no reasonable alternative can be found.  If you do so, there may be further requirements to address, particularly in relation to data protection obligations and privacy rights.  Be aware that the data protection breaches involved in a video recording could be more serious than in an audio recording because more sensitive personal data (e.g. gender, age, disability) is likely to be apparent.
5. If an employee has gone against policy and records a meeting and brings something to your attention, you will need to take it seriously and act on it. Otherwise you may find that you face a claim for constructive dismissal and/or victimisation depending on the circumstances.  If you identify a data protection breach, it will need to be recorded and may also need reporting to the ICO.  Bear in mind that you may also face complaints from another person who has been covertly recorded about breach of privacy or data protection law.
6. How you deal with the individual concerned will depend on the facts. If this is a clear breach of policy, then it could start a disciplinary process, although you will need to be clear that the covert recording is the reason for that process rather than, for example, any complaint about discrimination.  You will also need to determine if (intentionally or not) confidential information has been recorded and you may need to take steps to protect that, normally through contractual undertakings in the first place or through an injunction if it is very serious.  Alert senior management and take legal advice.

Ultimately it pays to have considered this topic in advance so that you have your protocols in place. Covert recordings can be used in evidence for claims, e.g. if someone brings a claim for unfair dismissal in response to being dismissed for making a covert recording and/ or resigning because of something said in a covert recording.  The Tribunal will have a discretion over whether to allow it assessing its “relevance” to the issues in play and it would need a reason such as public policy to override that.  If the Tribunal does allow it, it has a number of tools for ensuring that someone will not benefit from breaching policy in this way.  Even if a dismissal is found to be technically unfair, the Tribunal can decide to reduce compensation to zero or make a costs order against the party who did the recording.  Following our six practical tips will help you to navigate your way around the subject of covert recordings so that you don’t get caught out.

Suzanne Coe, Employment Law

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Joanna Abrahams, Family and Children Partner at Valemus Law – a leading family lawyer with over 20 years’ experience supporting clients with complicated family matters – has provided advice to those considering whether to wait to start until the new legislation comes into force to start divorce proceedings.

While the changes in divorce law are very welcome, the continued delay to its implementation may see some spouses considering waiting to start divorce proceedings in hope of an easier, or more amicable divorce. This brings to the fore several issues.

The first is in regard to the division of finances.

In divorce proceedings where the couple cannot agree on their finances the court will be asked to make a decision. In this case the assets and earnings of both parties are taken into consideration, going into the matrimonial ‘pot’ for the court to divide. However, that can change once the couple separates. When it comes to the courts deciding on who should get what, one party can argue that anything earned or gained after the separation belongs to them, separate from this combined pot. In some cases these post-separation assets can be substantial.

In this case, if you are the ‘poorer’ party, you may want to hold on a little bit longer, delay proceedings to try to make your financial position stronger. In essence, delaying now may make a big difference to what the courts consider is in that marriage pot when determining the financial settlement.

However, no matter the financial situation, what I would say is that in delaying proceedings you may simply be perpetuating your unhappiness. If you are miserable in a marriage there may be little value in waiting another ten months, because that will feel like a lifetime. Even making the first step in speaking to a solicitor about your options can feel like a huge weight off your shoulders. You will be better informed about any steps you may wish to take having received advice.

Sometimes it takes an awful lot for somebody to make the first move and seek advice.

For many it is jumping into the great unknown and that can come with a great deal of (understandable) anxiety and fear. There is always a reason  for you to convince yourself to stay as you are – it is “ known”. When you delay taking that step you can lose your momentum and end up stuck in a very unhappy situation for much longer. That’s not to say that we should be rushing to divorce, but that delaying taking the first step, until these new rules come in, may see more people suffering in circumstances they would be happier out of.

In any divorce the circumstances are unique. The goal should always be to remain as amicable as possible, and the new ‘no fault’ law makes that a lot easier. However, it is important that whatever the circumstances, each partner seeks advice so that they are in the best position to move forward with their lives.

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Our Divorce and Family lawyers are sensitive to your needs and understand that your issues are unique to your set of circumstances. With more than 35 years’ experience advising a wide variety of clients, including high net worth individuals, they are able to negotiate favourable settlements, resolve disputes without confrontation, and navigate through the complex and emotional process of drawing up child arrangements with unrivalled professionalism. Their reputation for achieving outstanding results, quickly and professionally, is second to none.

Find out more about our expert Family lawyers

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Having a child, sibling or adult with additional or special needs can be difficult for all concerned, including for schools and other providers – and not least for the person themselves.

It might involve difficulties which are caused by genetic issues or have been acquired at or result from birth, from an accident or other acquired injury.

If those needs are ‘invisible’ or undiagnosed, parenting and family skills might be especially scrutinised. The child or young person concerned may be wrongly labelled as naughty, poorly behaved, lazy or lacking in certain skills.

Relevant current needs may not have been diagnosed, may have been misdiagnosed or may need to be re-assessed. This may require professional assessments and reports from educational psychologists, speech and language therapists, occupational therapists, clinical psychologists and psychiatrists, medical reports, or reports from other specialists.

A fostered or adopted child may turn out to have difficulties which require support.

The EHCP option and Special Needs Tribunal (SENDIST)

Until the age of 25, a child or young person may be eligible for an Education, Health and Care Plan (‘EHCP’) from your local authority. As the name suggests, this may cover educational needs, social care needs and health needs.

First, it may be necessary to request an Educational, Health and Care Assessment. However, the relevant local authority may refuse to assess needs or refuse to issue or amend an EHCP. It may be necessary to amend draft EHCPs, appeal final EHCPs to the Special Needs Tribunal (SENDIST) and prepare for annual reviews of EHCPs.

Sometimes a pupil or young person is discriminated against because of their special needs and this might also give rise to an appeal by parents to SENDIST, against the school or local education authority. Sometimes, parents may have successfully sued the relevant health authority for negligence at or resulting from birth, but the future educational needs (and associated costs) of the child may not also have been considered or provided for.

Individuals may be trying to obtain, maintain or appeal a place at a suitable school, 1:1 support and necessary therapies, such as speech and language, occupational therapy, physiotherapy or for sight or hearing impairment or similar needs.

This may be for a very wide range of additional or special needs, including for example dyslexia, dyspraxia, dyscalculia, autistic spectrum (ASD) and other disorders including Asperger Syndrome, attention deficit and hyperactivity disorders (ADD and ADHD), genetic disorders including Down Syndrome and other syndromes, brain injury and disorders including cerebral palsy, as well as physical disabilities. It may also include difficulties with speech and language, sensory needs and motor skills.

Education may be in mainstream local authority schools or special schools, or in the independent sector (including specialist schools), as well as in colleges of further education (mainstream or specialist) and university.

Social care may be needed to help families to cope or to have a break and/or when a child legally becomes an adult at age 18 onwards, to help to transition to adulthood with more independence and perhaps to live with support.

Supporting your child

When appropriate, it might be preferable to have a direct payment from your local authority, so that you can manage the support which is required for your child or adult child yourself. This might involve the recruitment and employment of personal assistants. It may be more appropriate when the courses and facilities offered by the local authority do not meet the relevant needs or where a bespoke 1:1 approach is required. Local authorities publish their ‘local offers’, which set out their preferred providers and courses which are available, from time to time.

From the age of 18, it might also be necessary to consider Lasting Powers of Attorney on behalf of any adult with mental capacity, so that you can help to manage finances and health matters and care.

You may also be entitled to various benefits such as Carer’s Allowance or Carer’s Credit and your adult child may be eligible for Personal Independence Payments and Employment and Support Allowance (‘ESA’) – if in receipt of ESA other assistance may also flow, such as severe disability premium and/or Housing Benefit for a supported living placement. After suffering extreme stress, which occurred due to work, I began to feel very dizzy. It was the worst 2 weeks of my life. The dizziness was so strong that I could not stand up straight, so I crawled around the apartment. Only the psychiatrist immediately diagnosed stress triggered psychosomatic vertigo. The doctor prescribed me Xanax immediately, and I could run marathons on the second day after taking it. Since then problems began, and I was thinking how to get off these pills later. I read a lot of information about the drug at . (If the affected person is of state pension age, they may be entitled to Attendance Allowance instead of Carer’s Allowance or Carer’s Credit being payable to a carer).

Please note that Valemus Law is not a legal aid provider and there is always a cost/benefit analysis to be considered when looking at spending money on legal help in these areas:

• How old is the child or young person?
• Have their current needs been accurately assessed?
• How much and what kind of support have they been assessed as needing?
• How much is that support likely to cost?
• How long is it likely to be needed for?
• How much evidence is available or required to make applications for any form of support?

It may be that you are in the very early stages of considering any of this, including any potential process to obtain support, including an EHC Assessment, or an EHCP. You may need to appeal against the refusal to issue an EHCP, or to maintain an EHCP, or the contents of an EHCP or may need help with the annual review of an existing EHCP.

You may also need help with preparation for and attendance at meetings with schools and local authorities – or to apply for relevant state benefits.

If you would like to discuss any of the issues raised here, please contact Tracey Bicheno, who has considerable experience in these matters.

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With domestic abuse very much in the news – and the government’s Domestic Abuse Bill receiving royal assent on 29^th April, four years after it was announced in the Queen’s speech – we look here at this subject in the context of UK immigration law.

Precarious position

A person in the UK as a dependant on their partner’s visa is in a precarious position if they separate or divorce before being able to apply for indefinite leave to remain (ILR) after completing their 5-year (or in some cases 10-year) probationary period. This is because they now cease to meet the rules under which they were granted leave to enter or remain in the UK – one of the requirements is that there must be a genuine and subsisting relationship. (N.B. ‘Partner’ here means spouse, civil partner, same-sex partner, or unmarried partner.)

You are required promptly to tell the Home Office that you are separating or divorcing; applications that you might make in the future could be affected if you do not. You will then need to check your eligibility to stay in the UK, and if possible to apply for leave to remain in a new category, something other than as ‘partner’. Depending on circumstances, the options might be very limited. Failing that, you will need to leave the UK, probably quite quickly – with all the accompanying emotional, psychological and financial upheaval and even trauma, especially if dependent children are involved, after investing so much in a future in the UK.

By far the best option, if available, is to apply to settle in the UK. If successful, you will be able to stay without time limit and, crucially, in your own right, i.e. independently of your now ex-partner. But it’s only in very limited circumstances that an application for settlement is a possibility.

One such circumstance is when there has been domestic abuse.

If it can be shown that the relationship has broken down permanently as a result of domestic abuse or violence, an application can be made to the Home Office by the victim for immediate settlement (ILR).

What is ‘domestic abuse or violence’?

The Home Office definition of domestic abuse or domestic violence is wider than might be thought.

“Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are, or have been, intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. This can include, but is not limited to, the following types of abuse:

• psychological
• physical
• sexual
• financial
• emotional

 Controlling behaviour is a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate or dependent by:

• isolating them from sources of support
• exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain
• depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape
• regulating their everyday behaviour

Coercive behaviour is either:

• an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation
• other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim

No distinction should be made between psychological (mental) abuse and physical abuse when assessing if a person has been the victim of domestic violence or abuse.

Note from this definition that it is “any incident” (so, maybe just one incident will suffice to establish the claim); “or pattern of incidents” (individually perhaps insufficient, but collectively describing a pattern of proscribed behaviour). Also, “can include but is not limited to …” . Note also the definitions of controlling and coercive behaviours. And finally importantly that no distinction is made between mental and physical abuse.

‘If it can be shown …’  Evidence?

You need to prove it in the application, on the balance of probabilities. There must be shown to be a causal link between the domestic abuse or violence suffered by the applicant, and the permanent breakdown of the relationship.

Where for example the applicant’s partner been convicted of assaulting the applicant, or formally cautioned by the police – this would clearly be evidence to submit (while remembering the need also to show the casual link with the breakdown of the relationship).

But many victims of domestic violence or abuse do not tell anyone – or even are themselves unaware that they are victims of it. This can be particularly so in immigration cases where cultural and societal differences between a ‘home’ country and the UK can blur the lines. It is important to say that fundamental values of respect for and dignity of the individual are common across most cultures; but it is not everywhere that they are fully recognised and enforceable by law.

The Home Office guidance includes the following:

 “All evidence submitted must be considered and a conclusion drawn as to whether there is sufficient evidence to demonstrate that, on the balance of probabilities, the breakdown of the relationship was as a result of domestic violence.

 Factors to be taken into account when assessing the evidence include:

• timing of the application
• length of relationship before the application is made: the fact that the relationship broke down due to domestic violence during the very early stages of the probationary period, may not be an adverse factor in reaching a decision to grant indefinite leave to remain (ILR) but in the context of the immigration history as a whole may give rise to suspicion
• previous immigration history, particularly where there is evidence that the applicant has made a number of attempts to secure leave in the UK on different grounds
• length of time since the alleged incident and reasons given for any delay in submitting an application”

 The fact a couple are still living at the same address when the application is made may not necessarily be taken as an indicator the relationship has not broken down, as this could be due to a number of reasons.

 Note also that the abuse need not be by the partner. Abuse by a family member can also be relevant evidence. For example where the person who abuses the applicant is a member of the partner’s family and against whom the partner offers no protection, and this was the reason for the breakdown in the relationship between the applicant and partner.

 Conclusion

A thorough exploration of the circumstances of the relationship breakdown might reveal a possible claim for immediate settlement, where otherwise there could be no option but to leave the UK.

We have recently succeeded in a case where our client, while she was well aware that her relationship was unhappy and unhealthy, did not know that she had been the victim of actionable domestic abuse over a long period of time. Careful teasing out of the relevant facts, and constructing a detailed chronology of conversations and events, revealed it. The next concern was how to prove it: there was no physical abuse, no reports had been made to the police, nor visits to the hospital or GP; and no witnesses. But there were many sms and Whatsapp messages which collectively exposed the pattern of abusive, controlling behaviour. This was all presented carefully within a very long and detailed witness statement from the applicant, and a further detailed statement from her dependent daughter, attaching certified translations of many of the hundreds of messages and conversations. After answering some initial questions from the Home Office, the claim was quickly and fully accepted. Our client and her daughter were granted immediate ILR, so allowing them to continue to live their lives and to plan their futures in the UK.

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Boxer Kay Prosper: ‘I cried the day I got my British passport’

“I was over the moon, I actually cried that day,” he says. “It was such a good feeling to know that, one, I could travel; but two, I’m part of something I’ve actually helped support and build. I pay my taxes, have done a lot of good work, and now I’m not like an alien or someone on the outside looking in.”

‘Kay Prosper was born and raised in Luton. By his mid-20s he had chosen to devote a swathe of his life to serving the local community. But none of that was enough to guarantee him a British passport until three years ago, when he was 33. On Friday night, in Barcelona, Prosper will be centre stage. He has made use of that passport for only the second time and will fight the reigning EBU European super-lightweight champion, the local favourite Sandor Martin, for the crown.’ (https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2021/apr/22/i-wasnt-a-bad-youngster-but-i-was-going-down-the-wrong-path)

Mr. Prosper’s battle for his citizenship and passport was, as the Guardian says finally won after the ramifications of the Windrush scandal rippled across society.

Thankfully most who hold British citizenship will not have had to fight and endure what he and many others have had to. But nevertheless, the wider and deeper significance, as well as the immediate practical benefits, of British citizenship – whether acquired by birth, by registration or by naturalisation – should never be undervalued or taken for granted.

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Many of my clients come to the first meeting asking: “How should we tell the children we are separating?” By just asking that question demonstrates mindful parenting. The parents both equally share the dread of that moment and how the children may react (putting their own issues to one side) but in so many cases the feedback suggests “it went okay” or “pretty well considering”. This follows when the parents have made the conscious decision that they will act together as co parents.

Children of course, have their own ways of dealing with change in family dynamics, some suffer anxiety, others show their frustration and anger, whilst some become withdrawn. More often than not the child’s reaction is inextricably linked to parental behaviour and what they are being exposed to. So its crucial right from the start parents show they love the child and indeed equally support the child on the bumpy journey of life. Separating should not therefore mean one parent takes more of the lead on this over the other.

I recall training as a collaborative lawyer and hearing Christina McGhee (internationally recognised divorce-parenting expert, speaker, coach and author of the highly acclaimed book “parenting apart”) In summary she advised one way to break the news to younger children can be to reaffirm both parents love them hence telling them together is a powerful tool to use. She described asking your child what they love to eat and drink e.g “crisps” and “milk”. Saying suppose daddy is crisps and mummy is milk. You love crisps and milk, but you know dipping your crisps into your milk makes them taste funny and ruins the milk. So just like your favourite foods you can carry on loving mummy and daddy, it’s just that mixing them up together doesn’t work well. Giving the child permission therefore to love each parent and see them as different to one another but great in their own way is a helpful, easy to comprehend analogy! So many parents feedback that this was such a useful way to describe and endorse to their child they can freely love both parents.

However, for many separating parents containing their distress and hostility towards the other parent can impair their ability to co-parent responsibly. Harmful conflict can arise when parents are unable to put the child first. At the most extreme and intense end of parenting these parents may, as a consequence of their negative feelings abuse of their parental responsibility. They may misuse their parental position in a way that can cause traumatic emotional harm to their child, including alienating the other parent from the child’s life.

Parental alienation is a form of psychological abuse against both the child and the rejected parent, it is a concept which is becoming slowly more recognised and understood in the UK and Court system. There is no finite definition yet of this abuse but it is now recognised by Cafcass (the court appointed social worker). Typically, it results in a parent being rejected by their child for no justifiable reason, despite previously having a loving relationship. It is an extremely harmful behaviour that can have a life-long impact on a family. It is a form of abuse.

Notwithstanding the above, it may not be as black and white or straight forward to label the issue as parental alienation and parents need to be mindful of this. There can be other reasons why a child may say that they do not wish to spend time with a parent. These may include:

1. attachment – age and gender specific reactions to resist time with the other parent including separation anxiety
2. post-separation rejection, a temporary reaction to the changing family situation
3.  justified rejection. If the child has been harmed by a parent or is frightened of them because of domestic abuse or other harmful parenting, such as neglect or substance misuse
4. connection – when a child prefers spending time with one parent over the other. This can develop before/during/after separation and may be linked to the sex of the child too.

To try to avoid these types of problems occurring parents need to try to consider and work on what I refer to as the BE SMARTER parenting technique:

• Be open and honest with each other from the start and see if you can agree some basic points on how you intend to co-parent after the separation
• Educate yourself- children do not come with manuals but now might be the time to read about “Parenting apart” and other books
• School- Talk to the school and make sure they know parents are parting so they can spot any subtle child behaviour changes and support the child
• Moving on- Talk to the children if you can together at regular times especially when talking about something new like introducing a new partner, changing the child’s school, moving house and setting up two homes
• Allow your child to take their belongs between homes including clothing
• Remember you were a child yourself and imagine what it’s like to be in their shoes
• Try counselling for the family or yourself if you are anxious and uncertain about coping
• Evolve your respect for each other even if its clear you no longer love each other, and
• Reinforce to your children they can talk to both parents even when in the care of the other parent but set ground rules as to what and when this is acceptable in both homes.

At the end of the day you just need to try to do you best for your children and try to work to avoid conflict starting if you can. Making sure you also instruct a solicitor who is mindful to the above is also a great way to ensure you collaborate this life chapter carefully and as child focused as you can.

#divorce #familylaw #parentalalienationawareness #paad

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